I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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