Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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