I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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