I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
