GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
