i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
