That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
