I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
