If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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