3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
