I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
