so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
