I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
