Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
