Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
