Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
