The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
