Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
