He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
