it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Randomize
