Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
