Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
