You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
not ubering you a puppy
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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