I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I lost the right to judge tonight
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
