I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
