nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
They took my balls.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
