I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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