Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
