Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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