Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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