I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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