Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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