why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
