i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
