I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
