I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
