i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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