I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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