i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
