Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
