Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
