Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
