So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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