He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
