You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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