do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
