she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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