doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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