Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
