so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
