3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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