Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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